Trigger Warning: Graphic discussion about real-life abuse.
This post is not book related, and I apologize for that. But a recent event in my life has forced me to relive something that I will never forget. I’m not going to say that I was a victim; I’m a survivor. I dated this insane guy for almost two years and lived with him too. Today, I received a letter from my local police department stating that their charges against him will be dropped unless I bring forth more evidence.
When I spoke to the police (in May 2015), I didn’t want to charge him. I purposely deleted all evidence of his countless threats. This was because he told me that he was “scared” of the part of himself that did this (bullshit) and that he was working on his anger. In love as I was, I believed him.
Less than two weeks later, he put a hole in the wall and broke the bathroom door trying to get to me because I was crying. In response to my tears, he chased me around the apartment, broke everything in sight, and repeatedly attempted to strangle me to get me to stop. There’s a difference between strangling and choking; one’s horrible abuse and one can be considered a fetish. This was no fetish.
He threatened to hurt my family, even went so far as to tell me he’d kill my cat. He pointed his gun at my head while I cowered behind the refrigerator. He told me that if he found out I was pregnant, he would kill me before any baby was ever born.
Whenever I tried to leave, he would take my phone and hold me hostage, sitting in front of the door and preparing to break my only chance of communication (and escape) if I so much as moved.
He chased me around in public places and grabbed me, digging into my skin and telling me that he’d stab the first person he found if I asked for help. And when I looked at his meth-scarred face, I knew that he would do it.
The police were called on us so many times. Each time, I protected him. I hid any physical injuries. I lied for him.
His grandmother was even in on it, and she would repeatedly call my family and lie about my activities to make me appear “crazy.” She said I had failed her drug test (back when I was living with her); false. I passed it every time I took it. She said I told someone this, said I told someone that, and they were all lies. But because she’s an elderly woman, people believed her. She wanted to damage my reputation.
This woman still stalks my Facebook. She cannot stand that I stood up to her, and stood up to her grandson. I will continue to do so.
And in the end, it was all for nothing because my ex-boyfriend never changed. He still hasn’t changed. I messaged him about the letter and he told me he “wasn’t going to deal with that at this time in his life.” Of course a criminal doesn’t want to deal with the fact that he might have to take responsibility for repeatedly holding a girl hostage and also engaging in physical abuse, harassment, and threats.
If there were videos of the things that he did, he would be confined to a mental institution or prison. But I loved him. He was my best friend. I didn’t want to hurt him like he hurt me; I never understood why he wanted to hurt me in the first place.
Of course, I was called the Crazy Girlfriend™ for expecting him to show me respect and for having emotions. Though he was the one who destroyed property, screamed in public, and threatened people, I was deemed crazy by his family for standing up to him, and them. His grandmother believed that abuse was a female’s “role” in society, and that you’re weak if you stay in such a relationship. I believe that calling others weak (especially victims of physical abuse) doesn’t make you strong–only pathetic. But I’d expect nothing less from the person who raised that homicidal maniac.
This experience was a hellish one. It put fire in my veins, my heart, my tears. My existence was taken over by a selfish man who treated his girlfriend’s life as something disposable that could be possessed. And he has shown no remorse for the horrible things that he did. He wouldn’t even apologize.
I won’t lie. This makes me angry–furious, in fact. But out of that anger, I will remake a world. If my story can help just one person, then perhaps something non-monstrous came out of this.
If your boyfriend ever starts to get violent, think about what he’s doing and take safe steps to leave him. Do not fall for any of his apologies; they are false and mean absolutely nothing. If it gets to the point that he has committed a crime against you and is convincing you to cover for him… don’t. Conserve every piece of evidence you have because you might be saving another girl from getting hurt like you were, or even killed.
Do NOT underestimate his propensity for idiotic violence. Do not go back to him. But you’re not stupid if you do; he’s just a rotting piece of human garbage. You deserve better.
My abuser is now employed at a call center that would pale if they knew they hired someone who once held a knife to his girlfriend’s stomach, snarling that he’d kill her for being pregnant. He has friends who he’s probably told all about the “crazy ex.” He can say whatever he wants, but he knows that I never laid a violent hand on him.
I know that he has a higher power to answer to, and so do I. Some people think that I should be over it, or that they would never allow a partner to do such a thing to them. They don’t understand the truth about domestic violence. It largely happens to women, although men can be affected, and the women are so scared of being killed that they don’t have time to think about what they can “allow” their partner to do. That’s why I encourage you to jump ship at any and every sign of violence. It is NOT acceptable.
Well, you never really understand it until you live it. I still have nightmares. I’m still scared of him. I have PTSD due to this. He gets to live his life, and though I have two jobs, school, and amazing friends, the memories of what he did have damaged me.
I was physically and mentally tortured by someone who said that he was my best friend in the world. I’m taking these memories to my grave, and before then, I’m spreading the word until abusive individuals have nowhere left to hide.